just between us

Can we just chat for a minute?

I have been feeling pretty bad about neglecting comments and emails and not writing here as I want to.  I know, I know, you are all so gracious and you always say you understand and it's okay and just do what you can, but I do feel badly about it all. the. time.  Especially the comments and emails part.  I like talking with you.

I always try to keep things down to earth and honest here.  I read blogs too, and I know how quickly perceptions can get off...how someone can make themself seem like their life is more important or more interesting than it is...how a blogger that once felt like a friend can suddenly seem like a stranger and a snob...how you as a reader can feel left behind and ignored.  I realize I don't have to explain any of this, but it is in my nature to be honest, so here's what's going on: we've got one child left to homeschool and he needs a good amount of my focused attention.   We have family members wrestling with addiction.  That takes a good amount of emotional and spiritual energy.  Some days I can't think straight enough to wrestle out something hopeful to share.  The older I get, the less flexible I feel.  One bad phone call can put me out for a day or two.  I'm trying to be patient with myself over that.

But even with those two things going on, I am still writing.  I'm just not writing here much.  A few months ago a story came to me.  And I started writing it down.  And I'm still writing it down.  And the more I write it, the more I love it and the more I love it the more excited I get about the day when it is finished and I can share it with you and everyone else.  I never thought I would want to write a book.  I have been so happy writing my little bits here and there and anywhere God opens the door.  But then He gave me this little spark to hold, and I have become fascinated with it and it is taking all my creative energy.  And I think it should.  When the Muse arrives, you welcome her.  I had intended on keeping this quiet and not telling anyone until it was done, but now it is taking over enough of my time that I just feel silly not sharing it.  

I have no idea what will happen after I finish the story.  I think God is just going to open the next door when the time is right.  One way or another I will share it with you, because that's what art, what creation, is for.  I just wanted to tell you and let you know I have no intention of stopping writing even though I seem distant on this blog.  More than ever in my life I feel the need to write and tell and share.  It's my way of loving the world.  And I do love you all.

Thank you for always understanding and being willing to wait for me through all the ups and downs.  

much, much love.

tonia