a word

 

Thank you for the welcome back.   I'm always surprised at myself, about how little I comprehend about what is going on beneath the surface, what weavings God is doing in the places I can't see.   After I closed the blog down, I was out for a walk one day and I heard myself say out loud:  I'm a writer.  I'm a poet.  That's the way things happen with me: one day I am lost and the next day I am found.  

I came home and told my husband, hesitant, a little embarrassed.  "I think, honey...it's weird, but...I think that I am supposed to be a writer."  He blinked at me and took another sip of coffee.  "Uh, yeah," he said, "Didn't we already know that?"   This is what I mean.  I'm always the one astonished.  

The tunnel does this to you: disorients you, makes you forget the person you were before.   Even if a glimpse rises up in your memory, even if sometimes you get a hint of the old you, you're too tired, too sad to lay claim.   

But the tunnel is behind.  I have to stand up here and take in a lung full of air.  For the rest of my life, God willing, I'm going to be walking around astonished, and thankful.

When I wake up in the morning and come sit at my little desk, I am full of possibility and expectation.  I am a writer.   I am a poet.  I lay that down in my journal almost every day, because a newborn soul has to be named and welcomed.  Even if no one reads, no one ever understands, even if not one word is taken up by others and loved, the words are a gift to me, for living,  a song I've been given to sing.  

I am telling you this because the tunnel is long and some of you might forget to hope.  When the light finally reaches you, look for me there at the end, I will be waiting.  I will sing with you.

 

A little note:  this coming week I am taking my monthly media fast.  It is hard to do it now that I am just back and so full of words, but that means it is all the more important.  In the silence, I remember to listen and my life reorients back to center; I read more and talk more and sleep more, discover time that I didn't know I had.  So, I will be signing off Sunday evening and I will be back right after Easter, song on my lips.   

much love.

tonia