last week i was wide-eyed innocence...

21/366 - spider plants in the kitchen sink

Some addictions sneak up on you sly.  Last week I was wide-eyed innocence:  I don't spend that much time on the computer.  I barely read blogs.  I hardly ever post on facebook.  I've been doing this for 7 years, I'm an old hat at this.

Second day of changing the tally marks, bowing my head before a prayer bench and not a screen, I feel the itch.  10 AM and I'm jumpy, wondering who emailed, wondering what they said.  I fidget and pass the darkened computer once, twice, three times.  I snap the lid shut and carry it to my room, close the door.  At least I have the presence of mind to roll my eyes at myself.

10:15 AM and now it's malaise:  I don't want to do anything.  Humph.  Boring to-do list.  Boring snow.  Boring life. I think about getting out the computer again, for just five minutes, just to see what's going on out in the way-more-interesting world, then I'll get right back to my life.

Hold on.  An idea manages to wend it's way through the muck of my poor-me thoughts.  I felt this way when I went off caffeine.  Am I addicted to these regular jolts of internet interaction? 

How am I ever going to do this every day?   The computer is always within reach, always available.  How will I ever resist this and not fall back under its spell?  That's what passes for prayer in my moment of need.

It makes me laugh a little now.  It's kind of silly, isn't it?  To talk about this like it's a serious addiction...to worry about something so small.

Until I remember that I am trying to become a woman of prayer.  It's not about moments innocently frittered away...it's about hours of prayer lost.  It's about spoiled opportunities to write the Word on my heart, in my veins, along the pathways of my brain.  It's about being distracted and silly when I should be focused and heart-strong and faith-filled.

I sit on the edge of the armchair, knowing God knows the stakes, knowing He's the one who woke me out of slumber in the first place and ask Him again,  How am I ever going to do this?

I smile broad when the answer comes, because it's so simple, so exactly, perfectly simple.

Ora et labora: the motto of the Benedictines.

Pray and work.  Pray and work.  Pray and work. 

And that's exactly what I do.

Day two.  Check.